If there was ever a long message of mine that I hoped you'd read, it's this one.
As I write this, you don't wanna talk to me right now. It took me too many violations of space to understand that. I am happy for you two, despite what I have given off. I do hate the phrase, but as an explanation, not an excuse, I did recently start taking estrogen, and my mood has been/is swinging wildly. Of course, you pointed out older behaviors which estrogen cannot explain; I only wish to explain my terrible reaction to your request for space.
It is difficult to forgive this, all the same. So I just want you know, someday, if by a longshot, you choose to come to this blog and read this, that I am here, that I am your friend, that our history is long, and finally that when you are willing to talk, I will be there. It took me too long to learn that that is your choice to make, and not mine. With the same faith that gives me hope of you reading this, I ask for your forgiveness, though you have no reason to give it. I hope -- through faith -- that you will remember that there were good times, and maybe -- in your eyes -- those times were more plentiful than the bad. I can't know this, but I have faith that it is so.
If I am wrong, I thank you for the good times we had, the worlds you let me into, the trust I squandered. I thank you for being so unapologetically you, and inspiring me to try the same. I don't expect these memories to fade soon, happy but now also bittersweet. I think we can grow stronger apart, and if this silence is permanent, I thank you for this pain. You've always been one to dole out tough love. It may well be the case that this hardship helps me "woman up," and that you may develop creatively in my absence. In truth, many years from now, I hope we may meet again, like we did during the latter pandemic, and that time will distill my stories from those years into just the good ones, and that the same will have happened to you, and that that those years will make that conversation all the sweeter. I could be wrong, but doubt is essential to faith, and it took me too long to learn that too.