I've done wrong by people I care about. I'll have to face them soon. I don't trust myself enough to not do it again. Something's wrong, but I don't know what it is about me that needs changing. I can't find the variable definition. I can't see behind my eyes, I just know they're full of tears.
I discovered an old webring called the Global TransGendeRing. I loved it and the pun so much that I've made a memorial page for it and added it to the navbar. The navbar at the top of every page is now a separate file that gets included into each page, so that I don't need to deal with changing every copy of the navbar if I add a page. I intend to do several more changes like that in the coming days. This blog for example is nothing more than a big file which I add to, which isn't very sensible. Ideally, I could write this blog in something like markdown and then have that be processed into a page. Looking into so-called "CMS" solutions at the moment.
The date on the last post was off, that's been corrected now.
I feel unmotivated to do most things.
I wanna be someone who's creative, but I don't wanna actually engage in a creative process. This is
obviously not possible, and I need to work on whether the answer is to find something I'm passionate about→
or to accept that the desire itself is unreasonable and let it go.
As often happens with depression, currently neither option seems sensible and I see no others.
The will is there, the spark is there, but I have no logs to burn. I'm throwing sparks at nothing.
I'm tired and cold. There is no fire.
Been a lot longer than a week. I've decided to scrap the toki pona section entirely. A lot has happened, and I'd say that while it was overall positive, I'm feeling a lot worse now than I did before christmas. I feel inadequate, like I'm not contributing to a community I love. I feel like I'm stagnating. I wanna do something, so I'm dusting off this months-old codebase and I'm gonna put this online. If the creator of the site's cursor somehow gets here, know that I and others would like to know where you are and how you're doing. Know you are loved.
As above. I am not a fluent toki pona speaker so I should have expected this. The translations are gonna be a pain. I'll give my self a more generous deadline of 1 week. Probably overkill but better safe and whatnot.
The toki pona page is coming along slowly. It should be ready by tomorrow. I'll probably put a divider between the posts which came before the site was even up and after the site begins its public existence.
Feels odd to be posting before the site's even online. I don't feel too uncomfortable about it, but I am literally talking to no one right now.
Unrelated to the above, I bought a box set of The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings yesterday.
I rather liked the films, which inspired me to get The Silmarilion initially for some reason. I enjoyed that, but never thought to get the books the films were actually based on. Couldn't tell you why, but that's been rectified now.
I do not owe you my consistency of posts, nor do you owe me your viewership. If I wanted to see the eyes on my writing I would've made a Tumblr or whatever. The guestbook is a seperate page so that it is difficult for someone to comment on some specific post. If you wanna say something, say it about everything.